what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
