This dress was meant to end up on your floor
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
