Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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