when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
