I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
