you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
