enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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