i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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