Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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