Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
