i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
