You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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