I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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