you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Randomize
