So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
We need a shit load of segways right now
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
