Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
