Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
