I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
