Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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