I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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