You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
