Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
