if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
