a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
