So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
