My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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