Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
