I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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