i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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