i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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