I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
