I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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