just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
