saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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