After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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