3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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