i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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