im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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