are you so shy because you have an std?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Send help, water and tortillas.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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