According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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