How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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