meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
