Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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