i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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