Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just want to make out with him forever
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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