your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
