his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i think i have two assholes
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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