Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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