she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
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We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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