goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
