singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
pop tarts are not kleenex
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
