i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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