Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
