I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
