watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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