Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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