ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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