You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
